My Pick Up Artist System

Ben gazed at the flashing red neon sign above him that read "Domina." It was the name of the bar Antonio brought him to. There was a line of people out front waiting to enter, clogging up the noisy nightlife street even further.

"Are you sure this place is good?" Ben asked.

"Yup, this spot's famous for chicks," Antonio replied.

"So you've pulled chicks from here before?"

"…Ohooooo yea!"

"…I don't believe you."

"...Well...not me, but a buddy of mine! Whoahoooo boy, he tore it up!" Antonio rocked his grinning head up and down.

"…Did he though?"

"...I mean...I wasn't there...but this bro on the forums raved about it! This guy posts about a different threesome every day, so he knows his sh*t! ...Right?"

"...Does he?"

...

Antonio dropped his smile. "Ok, look...You know I turned 21 not long ago, so I'm not clued into Manhattan bars that much. Let's just see how it goes..."

Ben didn't feel great taking nightlife advice from a "Bro on the forums," but it's not like he had a better source. "All right...Did you have to wear that shirt though?"

Antonio was wearing a brown t-shirt that said, "My Pen Is Huge."

Antonio grinned like he knew a secret, "You're readin' it wrong...It's a pun bro…The 'Pen Is' should be read as peni—"

"I know! I'm asking why did you wear it?"

Antonio looked at him like Ben was an idiot. "Chicks dig huge dongs bro. I need to explain this to you?"

Ben's jaw dropped. His cousin has gotten stupider with age. He cursed in his mind. 'Whether or not they like that isn't the issue! The problem is the shirt!'

Then Antonio tapped his head and showed an apologetic smile. He rebuked himself for not having more patience with Ben. He recalled that Ben was only 18. When Antonio was that age, he also wasn't aware of many basic dong rules…

Antonio apologized to Ben, and reminded himself, 'Be patient with him. The dong game runs deep...It's layered like an onion...Ben will learn in time.'

…

Ben glanced sideways at him. 'Why is he holding his hands in front of him like that? Is that an Obi Wan Kenobi impression?'

Antonio gave him a reassuring nod. "Don't worry cuz. There's levels to this. Trust in the process."

Ben rolled his eyes. "Whatever...but I've seen you in the sauna when we were younger, and it is not as advertised."

Antonio shook his head with a wide grin. "By the time they know that, it'll be too late Ben. It'll be too late!"

…

'For some of us, it's already too late…' Ben regretted asking.

Antonio changed the subject. "Bro, let's work the line."

"What do you mean?"

"We don't have to be inside to pick up chicks. We can first butter our biscuits outside a bit. That way, when we get inside, we won't be startin' with empty plates. We'll already have some chicks to talk to.

It sounded like a good idea to Ben, so he followed Antonio's lead.

Antonio strutted past the line throwing out his favorite nightlife openers. "What up ladies? You girls trying to get Patrick Shwasted tonight?"

The girls glanced at his shirt and showed expressions within the narrow range between dislike and disgust. Their verbal responses were…not ideal.

After a few rounds with similar results, Antonio figured the verbal opener wasn't working. He tried a confident non-verbal approach. He walked over to some girls with his thumbs out, pointing them in a rocking motion to his shirt as he nodded and made hard eye contact.

A few minutes later, the two of them waited on line. Ben patted Antonio's back, consoling him. "I bet the lighting out here is the problem. Let's try again inside where there's better lighting."

"...Yea, you right. I'm sure that's it." Antonio raised his head again.

Ben thought, 'The lighting should be better inside…hopefully it'll be dark enough where no one can see that shirt...'

After a while, they reached the front of the line. It was time for the ID check.

Ben took out the Club Rat Fake ID, taking a last look at the old grimacing troll on the front. According to the system, this would get him inside. He didn't see how, but it cost 500 points. If it didn't work, he'd sell it on eBay to try to recoup his losses from Danny DeVito fans. With a nervous smile, Ben handed the ID to the bouncer.

As the bouncer looked between Ben and the ID, Ben bent his knees and puffed his cheeks to look more like the photo, but it was all for nothing…

It worked! The bouncer didn't give the ID a second glance, letting Ben through right away.

'It's really a magical alchemy item!' Ben told himself as the gate of truth tore away a chunk of his dignity.

Ben followed Antonio up a set of gray stone stairs to the bar. With every step closer, the blasting music grew louder. When they stepped through the large wooden doors onto the dark dancefloor, the boom of the music became overwhelming. Men and women filled the space, laughing and shaking their bodies.

Antonio leaned over to Ben to whisper something in his ear, but Ben couldn't hear a word of it. The music was loud, but that wasn't the reason. Something else was ringing in his ears, capturing all his sensory attention. It was a system alert!

[Dungeon instance detected]

[Special event initiated]