The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

 “Proposed Plans for Curing Cher (Third Revised Edition).”

This thick booklet contained my plans for curing her, plans I spent so much time thinking up.

“Plan #1: Create a brand-new physical body and transfer her soul into it.”

“This plan’s greatest advantage is that it’s simple to carry out. A perfect physical body can be constructed for her within a short period of time. Also, it’s almost impossible for someone at my skill level to fail in something as simple as a soul transfer. The disadvantage is that the physical body will be an undead creation, so it won’t be as good as a living body. It will be impossible for her to reproduce. However, I can perfectly replicate the ability to eat, drink and even the joys of fleshly activities between men and women for her body. Last time, I sealed a foundational part of my soul into her, but this time I won’t be creating such an astounding miracle product.”

“Addendum: Since the Seven Original Sins touch upon the greatest secrets of soul magic, it could be possible that transferring her soul to a new physical body will also transfer over the problem of her soul. She may still be the vessel for giving birth to new Evelyns. This plan still needs improving.”

“Plan #2: Make modifications to Cher’s soul and strip the portion related to her personal ‘lust’ out of her soul. This will cause her to become an idiot regarding all things related to love, so she’ll never fall in love with another person. The trap placed within her soul will never again activate. I strongly recommend this plan.”

“This plan’s advantage is that it will easily deal with the problem. A simple perfect soul surgery will completely cure this seasonal disease known as love. But the downside is that although soul surgery techniques are quite well-established, poor luck may cause her soul to become unstable or split. This may result in the most common side effect of such operations: multiple personalities.

“Addendum to this strongly recommended plan: This plan is the best to preserve this wonderful cycle I created. When my skills improve even further, I’ll naturally be able to solve the problems—yep. What I really mean is that this original ‘Lust’ system should be preserved so that I can research it any time I want. It will be helpful to my personal research. I’ll be able to have a breakthrough soon! And it’s possible for all of you to obtain new sisters!”

When I placed these two plans in front of Evelyn, I really hoped she would choose the second one. No matter how one looked at it, the second plan would give us the most benefits. Plus, we would be able to eliminate the chronic disease known as love. Such an excellent plan for curing Cher!

Being able to forever get rid of one of the original sins from your soul? Only a genius like myself was capable of such a miracle with my soul surgery!

What? The side effect of having multiple personalities? That wasn’t negative in any way, as multiple personalities could bring additional talents and abilities. This was a gift! Just take a look at how powerful Evelyn was, since she had ten personalities and ten different natural talents! As expected of my first ever undead creation.

Yet the Blue Dragon Evelyn only glanced at the plan before unhesitatingly bringing it before her and twitching her nose…

*Snort.*

Alright. At least she didn’t snort out any snot. It would seem that she loved to be clean.

*Whoosh!*

But I didn’t have any time to rescue my plan booklet before she spewed out dragonbreath, this time, directly in the form of thunder. And so the plan to cure Cher, the plan I worked so hard to create, was directly burned to a crisp.

“You’re going too overboard! I took two entire days on this…”

“I bet it was more like twenty minutes. Bring out your third plan. Isn’t your goal just to wait for us to reject these two plans so your third plan can easily pass? Don’t look at me with such a strange expression. All us Evelyns understand your twisted personality better than we want to. Isn’t your favorite scheme about ‘A truly perfect scheme is to make your opponent believe that the current choices in front of him are the best choices? All I need to do is create a situation where my opponent has to do what I want, like a puppet.'”

Alright then. That quote indeed sounded like something incredibly twisted I would say.

Although I intended to bring out my third plan regardless, being seen through here was made me displeased. I was sullen, but I still brought it out. Since I had made the plan, of course I would have to bring it out.

“Plan #3: Give Cher scientific mental therapy to teach her how love is just a type of mental illness. That’s right—mental illness. See, most teenagers undergoing puberty will focus way too much effort into this concept known as ‘love’ but will obtain nothing in the end. That’s why I must teach them; I must have them study and exercise more. They should focus on their academics and work, such as fighting hard for the sake of humanity’s progress. This will delay the time they enter this stage of mental illness. According to studies, the rate of catching the love disease is much lower after the puberty stage. And any who go into heat should be directly deep-frozen to deal with the problem…”

The Blue Dragon Evelyn chuckled, and then… There was no more “and then.”

“Hey! Why did you swallow it? I worked really hard on it!”

“Your fourth plan?”

“I don’t have one… fine, it’s right here.”

This plan booklet was rather thin. It was just one page, so I simply read it to her.

“This is addiction, this is electronic heroin! So-called love is but an illusion! She needs electro-therapy! She needs more electric shocks and electric chairs—”

“—You’re the one who needs electro-therapy! How about I give therapy to your unsalvageable brain with my thunder!”

Powerful thunder covered the entire sky. Although none of it would be fatal for me, a charred face was inescapable. The most frustrating part was that all my hair was now standing up on end due to the electricity.

“A golden mohawk haircut? Isn’t this a redneck haircut? You’ve done it now! I’m going to go all out against you!”

It was only now that I understood why Blue Dragons were considered so annoying. They had such bad tempers! Wasn’t I simply making a joke to lighten up the tense atmosphere? She had no sense of humor at all! If she hated jokes, she should have told me!

“…Nobody can tolerate your jokes. Let me just say it now: if you want to experiment, go find your ‘new love.’ Don’t use me.”

I ignored my silly cat’s complaints and furiously brought out another stack of backup plans from my backpack. Backup plans? It was always necessary to make backup plans for backup plans, and backup plans for backup plans for backup plans, and… you get the idea. In fact, the ones I brought out were first-edition plans that hadn’t yet been revised. They couldn’t even be called complete backup plans.

“Plan #4: Use hypnosis and lectures to subconsciously change her so that she gradually changes her sexuality and falls in love with women. Then, let’s observe if that will activate the trap in her soul or not. If not, then we’ll have plenty of time to observe and conduct more research…”

*Rip!*

Alright then, let’s go to the next plan.

“Plan #5: Brainwash her, or cast an eternal Intelligence-lowering curse on her. As long as her Intelligence is forever lowered to an infant’s level—fine!—fine!—don’t spew dragon breath at me. Plan #6…”

“…Plan #13: Modify her genitalia so she becomes a “he.” Let’s research the conflict between her soul’s instincts and ‘his’ physical body’s instincts. Will ‘he’ still fall in love with the opposite gender? Yep, this really is a worthy research topic!”

“Cough—I know, I know, I’ll give up on Plan #13. Plan #14, then. We can use a sealing spell to seal her away forever, or ask Amelia to cast a Sleeping Beauty curse on her. What? Still not satisfied? What a difficult customer to please. Alright, alright, Plan #15…”

“Plan #27: We can go and find Beifeng—please don’t attack me. I humbly admit it was wrong for me to have mentioned Beifeng. Let’s abandon this plan.”

We were in a massive underground cavern, massive to the extent I couldn’t even see the ceiling. As I acted ridiculously with Evelyn, behind us was an unending procession where countless artisans and warriors slowly proceeded forward with their luggage and carts. Their goal was the void door before them: the entrance to Dragon World.

Thanks to the fact that this was the passage to the Dragon World, numerous dragons, including the giant Immemorial Dragons, would need to be able to freely enter and exit. This underground cavern was spacious enough to the point where even airships could enter.

Right now, the guardian dragon of Dragon World’s entrance, the Dragon World leader Evelyn, was chatting to me. However, only her two forms, the Copper Dragon and Blue Dragon Evelyns I already met, were chatting with me.

“…You’ve lately had a lot of free time to have created so many random and useless plans?”

“No! I’ve been too busy lately, which is why I made these plans as a way of relaxing. You understand how it is; all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy… why are you spewing dragonbreath at me again!? Can Blue Dragons please be a little more reasonable!”

“You actually dared to treat curing Cher and us as something fun! You should be severely punished for your attitude!”

Although the expressionless Blue Dragon claimed so, no matter how I looked at it, didn’t it simply seem more like she just wanted an excuse to make me suffer? Could it be that I’d made her angry at me?

“There’s far too many reasons why you might have angered her. There’s no need to even bring up the past. Right now, if any normal individual saw these plans, they’d probably think that you’re intentionally acting ridiculously.”

“But I’m being serious!”

“That’s even worse. Can’t be saved.”

“No, Cher can still be saved. We can’t give up on a cure!”

“…I’m saying your head is what can’t be saved. Stop struggling and give up on a cure…”

Alright then, what happened next was business as usual: a fight between me and my pet cat.

“Pahaha! Roland, you’ve truly changed.”

Seeing the comical scene before her, the Copper Dragon Evelyn, who had only been sipping tea and chatting, felt rather nostalgic.

“Hmm? Have I become more handsome? It must be all my combat experience that’s made me seem manlier than before.”

“I don’t know about becoming more handsome, but you’ve definitely become cuter. I hear the Princess Peach books have been selling extremely well. I bought one too, and all my sisters keep reading it together and gushing about how cute you are.”

“…Harloys, remind me to toss that bastard into Mizar’s cannons and shoot him into the sky. Yep, I’m referring to a certain tailed Dracon, the living desecration.”

“I most certainly agree. But is the Mizar’s main cannon sufficient? Wouldn’t it be better to use the Borealis’s main cannon?”

“Cleaning the cannon would be too troublesome.”

Well, we had the free time to act ridiculously here, but someone was unable to watch this any longer.

“…You from back in the day looked so lonely. When you laughed, it looked more like you were crying. You were filled with hatred for the world, as if you were a man betrayed by the entire world…”

The surprising part was that the Blue Dragon Evelyn was the one who spoke up. Although she still had a serious expression, a nostalgic look entered her eyes. Suddenly, her nostalgia transformed into delight as her icy countenance instantly defrosted.

“…That was so cool! An avenger who’s enemies with the entire world!”

The way she was jumping up and down made her seem like she was a celebrity chaser who just saw her favorite star.

“…Image, image, Fifth Sister! Your image of an icy beauty is collapsing!”

We couldn’t help but silently nod in unison at Copper Dragon Evelyn’s comment. Blue Dragon Evelyn’s ice beauty image had indeed been shattered.

“She’s so logical I can’t even counter it.” The silly cat’s comments were getting better. It would seem that she had been trained well by me.

But, suddenly, the Blue Dragon girl glared at me. And then…

“Ptui!”

She spat on the ground in condescension with a gaze that obviously expressed she looked down on me. I felt rather nervous being stared at by a beauty like this.

“If, back in the day, you were a cool and handsome prince out for revenge just like in a legendary story, right now you’re nothing more than a ridiculous clown!”

“She’s so logical! I can’t even counter what she said!” The black cat on my shoulder pretended to act all surprised.

Alright, silly cat, there was no need to comment here… Why were you nodding so energetically? Don’t think I didn’t notice how you used exclamation points. Was that how much you agreed? If I were a professional tsukkomi, wouldn’t that make you the professional straight man? So we were actually a classic comic duo!

“If you want to be a stand-up comic, do it by yourself! Don’t get me involved! I’m different from you!”

“Hmph! Such professional retorting, and you still dare to not call yourself a comic!? Harloys, the genes of comedy are buried deep within your bones! You were born to be a comic… cat!”

Alright then. The second major battle between me and my silly cat occurred. Yet the two Evelyns exchanged glances and secretly snickered.

They were the two sent out to communicate with Roland because they were the sisters who viewed the past as most important. But, upon seeing the current Roland, they felt many sentiments as they mentally communicated between themselves.

“Fifth Sister, compared to that seemingly icy but actually kind fellow from my memories, I like the one before me more. I hated how the past him always had such hidden depression and anger within him.”

“…Of course you’d like the current him more. Don’t you always love to watch comedy performances? Still… indeed, this type of Roland is more reassuring. Eh, a message from Second Sister?”

The two Evelyns silently listened to the message. Then, the Copper Dragon Evelyn spoke up.

“Roland, why do I feel like you’re intentionally stalling us here so that we won’t inspect if there’s anything taboo you’re bringing into Dragon World?”

“…You’re insulting our intelligence. We’re not customs officials who you can fool so easily.”

Alright then. It wasn’t so easy to fool them after all. And so, I handed over the real plan to cure Cher along with smiling as I talked.

“What level of item do you think even counts as taboo for the powerful dragons. Heehee, do you really think I would bring something like a Salo’s Crystal in here? I still want to live a few more years.”

I didn’t even get to finish explaining myself before the two Evelyns exclaimed in unison.

“You really brought a Salo’s Crystal in here!?”

“No, no, I’m just making an analogy! An analogy!”

“…Second Sister was absolutely correct. He’s trying to seriously explain things away! That means he’s feeling worried that we caught him, so he definitely brought in a Salo’s Crystal!”

“Why are you casually carrying such a major weapon of mass destruction? Are you intending on fighting a world war?”

Alright then, it seemed that I was no longer able to fool them. But just as I was hesitating whether to resist and attempt to use force to break through or to just admit my crime and await punishment… whoops, something seemed wrong about my analogy, cough. At this moment, the two Evelyns exchanged smiles before they focused on the real plan to cure Cher in their hands.

“…It seems that they’re going to let you bring it in. Honestly, why didn’t you just bring it in openly? Playing such a trifling trick? People are going to look down on you.”

“Would you let someone else take an item capable of becoming a nuclear bomb into your home so easily, Harloys? Isn’t this a foundational issue? How would I know they’d let me take it in so easily without even caring about their own benefits?”

I couldn’t help but mutter to myself as I observed my “old friends” intentionally chatting with each other about the plan to cure Cher as they pretended to ignore the Salo’s Crystal.

“Perhaps it’s not that they don’t care about their benefits; it’s that I don’t know what benefits they’re aiming for…”