Chapter 511 The Day After Part 2
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that." Kamila stuttered between hiccups.
"Through that what?" Lith's mind was still numb, her words made no sense to him.
"You know my personal file by heart. I've killed people, beasts, monsters, and even younglings in the past. I've faced much stronger opponents and seen worse bloodshed. What happened during this mission is far from being a novelty.
"I can't understand why you are making a big deal of it, even though I must admit that this time everything felt… wrong." Lith was the first one being baffled by his own reaction.
"Of course it did!" She could tell from his expression that Lith was struggling to put his thoughts into words.
"It's because I know your personal file that I know you have never killed someone who was fighting to protect their family, no matter their race."
Lith pondered her words before realizing that she was right. In the past, all of his opponents had been people who either had tried to kill him, or those whose interests clashed with his own.
"Let's be honest, even if those wargs were actually capable of overcoming their violent urges, they had to be put down. What made them human also made them dangerous beyond reason." Kamila said as Lith nodded for her to continue.
"They were an Abomination's breeding ground, and even if they weren't, they couldn't coexist with us. With their spawn rate, the amount of food they need grows exponentially. In the long run, either them or us would've been forced to starve.
"Yet all of our reasoning doesn't change that, in a way, they were innocents. There was no malice behind their actions, only the will to provide their beloved ones a better future, which is exactly what you do from a tender age.
"It doesn't matter if you did it out of duty or because this Tezka forced your hand, either way, you have been forced to kill yourself over and over."
Lith remained dumbstruck at the realization. The act of killing the wargs was nothing but a drop in the ocean for him. Even the farmer's death wouldn't have left such a strong impression if not for the man's tragic past being so similar to his own.
Lith didn't feel bad for them, he felt bad because he had walked more than one mile in their shoes. He knew how hard it was to fight against impossible odds, just to fail miserably because of an unavoidable fate, like it happened with Carl.
"Are you saying I'm feeling bad for myself?" Lith said with a flat tone, the numbness still paralyzing his feelings.
"Yes! And you have every right to. Because you did the wrong thing for the right reasons and because this job just took away a piece of your heart."
She angrily slammed her fist on the table, yet her tears never stopped.
"Why are you crying? Why are you so angry?" Lith asked.
"I'm angry because of what the army made you do. They can call it collateral damage, or with any fancy word they want, but it's still murder. I'm crying because you can't." She said while placing her hand above his heart.
"You don't have to cry in my stead." He replied.
"I want to. Someone has to. Otherwise you'll just shrug everything off like it's nothing and add another scar in here." Kamila placed her hand above his heart.
"Believe me, I know that there are wounds that never heal. They can get better, but the pain is always there." She remembered the pain of living her early life feeling nothing but a tool in her parents' hands.
How difficult it had been to leave everything behind, even her beloved sister Zinya, to have at least a chance at happiness. After Kamila joined the army, her father had disowned her, breaking her heart.
He later revoked it when she became a Lieutenant, but he only did it with the aim of exploiting her authority. She had hoped that time and distance would help her parents to understand how much they loved her.
It worked. Unfortunately, their love amounted to nothing. The realization hurt her deeply, but at the same time, it set her free. At that point, it was Kamila's turn to disown her family and change her last name.
Family had become a four letter word for her, and it was one of the reasons why she had yet to marry.
"I know how hard it must be even talking about this. There is no escape from such ugly events, but you don't have to bottle them up, nor to face them alone. Do you have plans for tonight?" She asked.
Lith shook his head. He was way ahead of schedule for his rounds. Unless an emergency happened, he had at least two free weeks.
"Then it's a date. I'd love to leave early, but my supervisor would skin me. We are currently understaffed." She said while wiping off her tears.
"These are the spare keys for my apartment. Wait for me there, I'll come back as soon as I can." She took the recording device and left before Lith could reply. Even in his confused state, he realized how big of a step it was for her.
Giving him free access to her apartment meant she was willing to further deepen their relationship.
'I doubt she usually brings along spare keys, unless she had been considering to give them to me for a while.' He thought.
'Agreed.' Solus sighed. 'She is completely right. The mission with the wargs pushed all of our wrong buttons. I feel like crap too and I'm not in the mood of remaining alone either. I can't stand being the third wheel, not today.
'Can you please bring me to Lutia and call Tista? I could really use a friend.'
'Of course I can.' Lith replied as he left the army's headquarters for the local branch of the Mage Association. Solus didn't understand why he took that detour instead of using the army's Warp Gate until he bought another communication amulet.
'I know how bad you feel and how insensitive I can be, especially when I'm neck deep into my own shit. You shouldn't spend the night holed up in the ring while I have fun. You deserve so much more and I'm sorry I can't give it to you.' He thought.
'The least I can do is to give you as much independence as I can.' He had Solus imprint her own amulet before sharing with her his rune, Kalla's and Tista's. Solus was deeply moved by his gesture.
Even though she had never expressed it, Solus had long since desired to have a way to freely talk with her friends without going through Lith every time. It was the first present he had ever given her, and it was akin to freedom.
Solus didn't perceive it as distancing himself from her, quite the opposite. Lith was recognizing her as an individual, giving her some personal space and his trust. They shared an enormous pocket dimension, yet until that day it never contained anything of hers.
That communication amulet was her very first possession in over twelve years. She loved both Lith and the amulet beyond what words could express.