Chapter 44 - Pouring Your Heart Out
Seizing Dreams
Ch44 – Pouring Your Heart Out
Translated by: DMlations/Zryuu
Edited by: Amelea, FistFullOfDollars and Juurensha
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Naturally, Lin Xun was opposed to the relationship. Lin Xun wanted to nurture Chen Yekai, get him to hold a teaching position in Columbia as well as become his assistant. However, dating a student while he was a teacher’s assistant would greatly affect Chen Yekai’s future.
But Liang Jinmin encouraged Chen Yekai. She told him that as long as he was clear about his own feelings, then he had nothing to fear. He could take the initiative to resign, or change universities, or even cease his studies and plot a new course for his future.
Chen Yekai spent a long time hesitating. Ryuusei also understood that although Chen Yekai was the only one in his world, Chen Yekai’s life couldn’t solely revolve around him. Ryuusei didn’t understand love, and also never knew how to express himself well. He chose to retreat and escape; he decided that he didn’t want to be a burden on Chen Yekai anymore, so he prepared to drop out from college and return to Japan. But right before submitting his application to discontinue his studies, he asked Chen Yekai to accompany him to Argentina to see the Iguazu Falls.
During that trip, Chen Yekai finally faced his feelings. To him, Ryuusei was like a drug that could make him forget everything, indulge in it, and feel true happiness. It was as if he had been born for him, and existed just for him.
But after they returned to school, the effects of the love drug disappeared. Chen Yekai had to directly deal with Lin Xun’s anger and the complaints lodged by the students in Liang Jinmin’s class. On one side was the profession that he had loved since childhood, while on the other was Ryuusei’s future. Finally, with Lin Xun’s intervention, the college relented and gave him a lenient punishment by removing Chen Yekai from his position and allowing him to continue his postgraduate studies with Lin Xun.
Lin Xun had considered being a matchmaker for Chen Yekai by arranging a marriage between his favourite pupil and the daughter of an old acquaintance. However, in the end, Chen Yekai had not only gotten involved in a relationship with an undergraduate, he even came out to his family. They had arguments so heated that the heavens and earth trembled, and he almost broke off all ties with his family. Usually within the country, homosexuality was understood and tolerated, but not when it came to their own son. Yet Chen Yekai disregarded other people’s opinions and lived together with Ryuusei after resigning from his teaching assistant position.
After their relationship had stabilised, Lin Xun asked Chen Yekai to spend more time on his studies and research. Chen Yekai began to settle down after the initial honeymoon phase of their relationship and started to consider his plans for the future.
But like all couples, Chen Yekai and Ryuusei entered a period of friction after the initial period of infatuation., They began to face all sorts of difficulties, such as……Ryuusei’s need for company, but Chen Yekai had to spend most of his time at college working on his research; Chen Yekai occasionally neglected Ryuusei’s feelings; having different attitudes towards their families, friends, relatives, mentors…… and so on, it was Chen Yekai’s first relationship, so he felt a bit lost when he was suddenly bombarded with all these conflicts and he neglected Ryuusei’s feelings.
He needed time to read and study and was used to being alone. In fact, for many years, he had spent most of his time studying and rarely cared about the thoughts of the people around him. Living together with Ryuusei was tantamount to entering a marriage, and he did not understand how to make their marriage work back then.
“I still remember, Ryuusei would always wake up in the middle of the night with a start.” Chen Yekai pondered, “Then turn around and hug me. He was so afraid of losing me……”
Yu Hao and Zhou Sheng listened quietly. The coffee had already turned cold.
Chen Yekai continued, “At that time, I was tired, very very tired. I had hoped that he would be a little quieter. I was always exhausted during the day, yet I couldn’t get enough sleep at night. Sometimes when I was in my lab, I would even become a little apprehensive about returning home. During that time, we seldom spoke. I was always anxious. I didn’t know when he would suddenly flare up and start shouting at me……you haven’t been in a relationship yet, so you won’t quite understand that feeling.”
For Chen Yekai, the responsibility of “family” became heavier and heavier. He tried to improve his communication with Ryuusei, but every time after they talked it out, within a few days everything would return to how it was before. And afterwards, something happened that dealt a devastating blow to their relationship——
——One of Ryuusei’s friends borrowed his phone and found a short video of them having sex and transferred it to his own phone, then began circulating it within a small circle. But in the end, they didn’t know who uploaded it onto Tumblr, and it caused quite a stir.
Yu Hao, “……”
Zhou Sheng, “……”
“It has already been deleted.” Chen Yekai said, “There were some downloads, but we couldn’t do anything about that. When we had just gotten together, we were so in love that we lost our minds and filmed a few parts. Later on, I almost shot Ryuusei’s friend to death……but fortunately, I restrained myself at the last moment under his persuasion……sometimes I feel that I have a kind of hysterical tendency towards violence that is inherent in my personality, it’s just that in most situations, it is hidden very well.”
Yu Hao immediately remembered Chen Yekai’s method of resolving the conflict that night.
“Well, a lot of foreigners like to make such videos.” Zhou Sheng changed the subject, “Heterosexuals are the same too, what’s wrong with trying to keep memories of your youth?”
Chen Yekai laughed, “You probably won’t be interested in it. Yu Hao, don’t search for it, it’s too embarrassing. But you shouldn’t be able to find it.”
Yu Hao quickly said in embarrassment, “I……I promise I won’t search for it!”
“Ryuusei has always incessantly apologised to me for that.” Chen Yekai sighed, “I was just really irritated. The attitudes of my students, the comments my friends made behind my back……I was so irritated that it was intolerable, and a lot of people came to my INS to leave messages……”
“Ryuusei should have been the one who was most distressed ba.” Yu Hao said.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“Yes.” Chen Yekai said, “But later on, I suggested that we should separate for awhile to calm ourselves down. I wanted to finish writing my graduation thesis before taking him to South America — somewhere we travelled to before — to Peru’s Macchu Pichu, and many other places…… including a visit to the white chapel at the southernmost part of the world to get married.”
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Shortly afterwards, Ryuusei came back again. Chen Yekai noticed that Ryuusei’s mental state seemed a bit off, so he brought him to the doctor and discovered that he was suffering from depression. It had several causes: hereditary (due to his family’s history), the insecurity he felt in their relationship, anxiety, the guilt he felt from the video that circulated, how he had to face all of the “kind and comforting words” of others……this was a physiological problem, so he needed to take medication for it. During that period, Chen Yekai was overwrought because of how busy he was. He wanted to give up on his graduation thesis, but Ryuusei insisted that he should continue with what he was doing, or else he wouldn’t stay with him.
Chen Yekai could only supervise him to ensure that he would take his medicine on time and bought the tickets as he prepared to take Ryuusei away after his thesis defence. However, on the day of the defence, Ryuusei didn’t come over for a dinner date with Chen Yekai, as they had planned.
He had left home by himself again. Chen Yekai immediately went to report it to the police, but the police ignored it because it did not constitute a disappearance. Chen Yekai discovered Ryuusei had changed his flight reservation, so he flew directly to Argentina from New York that day. He chased him to Argentina and went to the inn that they had booked……
“He had already committed suicide.” Chen Yekai said calmly.
“When I arrived, the scene had already been cleaned up. The inn changed its bed sheets, hired a few workers to paint the walls. The police showed me the gun that he bought from the black market that was placed in a plastic bag.” Chen Yekai said in a daze, “I remember every single detail from that day……there was a white bed sheet covering his body, and all the blood had dried……”
“Don’t think about it, Kaikai.” Zhou Sheng said, “It’s not your fault.”
Chen Yekai briefly laughed, “Outside of Chichén Itzá is a broad Cuju court. Legend has it that one of the ancient Mayan customs was that within a Cuju match, the leader of the victorious side would become a sacrifice. Their heads would be cut off and offered to the gods.”
“Ryuusei liked watching me play soccer. I scored a goal for him in front of some tourists that day.” Chen Yekai murmured, “I kicked the ball from the court that passed through the iron ring used in matches, and perhaps, at that time, I already liked him……I was willing to dedicate the rest of my life, and even sacrifice my life, to my one and only god.”
“There’s also a well in the middle of Chichén Itzá. Ryuusei told me that he believes that was the path for the Mayans’ reincarnation. He always wanted to go there, from this life, to the next. He knew that I didn’t love him, but he still wanted to make a wish with me by the well to be best friends in this lifetime. And in the next life, to take it a step further, and become my lover.”
“I could feel how deep his love was for me, so deep that it extended from this incarnation to the next. But I thought, I have enough courage to say the words ‘I love you too’ in this lifetime, so why wait for the next?”
“Okay, that’s the end of the story. I have to go now.”
Yu Hao remained silent for awhile. Chen Yekai finished the rest of his coffee and stood up, “When I heard your story in the treatment room, I wanted to comfort you, Yu Hao. But I understood that after all is said and done, the power of speech is limited. So I could only say that, you can consider me as your friend, and as a big brother who would be willing to listen to you.”
“I also knew that I didn’t know how to comfort you that night; just like how you didn’t know how to comfort me this morning. Anything we say would be too feeble and futile, but our souls can produce a kind of weak resonance right here and now, from the hardships that we have suffered.” Chen Yekai smiled, “And from my betrayal of another soul. I will never be able to redeem myself for the mistakes I’ve made, but you still have a long life ahead of you, so you’ll have even more possibilities and sunlight.”
“How you wanted to comfort me today, was just like how I felt at that time. I think that perhaps, this is enough.”
Chen Yekai had only one backpack for luggage since the rest had already been sent away. He walked downstairs, and a car was waiting behind the college.
“I’m leaving.” Chen Yekai said to them, “A hug?”
Chen Yekai gave Zhou Sheng a hug first, then Yu Hao. When he embraced Yu Hao, he forcefully patted his back, “Remember what I said.”
Yu Hao’s eyes were completely red, but Chen Yekai got on the car and left through the college’s back gate.
Yu Hao and Zhou Sheng sat down in front of the steps to the teacher’s dormitory building. They looked at each other, and Zhou Sheng’s eyes were a little red too. “This sunlight is really too fucking glaring.”
Yu Hao said, “In his heart, he doesn’t even have a safe haven now.”
Zhou Sheng asked, “Where was his express delivery sent to? Did you take note of it?”
Yu Hao calmed down and retrieved his phone, “I took a picture.”
“Check the address.” Zhou Sheng shook his cigarette pack. Only one cigarette butt was left.
“Stop smoking.” Yu Hao said, “It’s not good for the heart.”
“Just two puffs.” Zhou Sheng pinched his nose, “My nose is blocked, just two puffs. He still hasn’t said anything about that night.”
Yu Hao, “Could it be because of the conflict with Ryuusei in the past, combined with how Liang Laoshi had to suffer domestic violence at home, so he……”
Zhou Sheng answered in a calm voice, “His speech and actions were very normal. Ryuusei’s death wasn’t Lin Xun’s fault, and domestic violence wouldn’t make him so angry that he would want to kill Lin Xun with his own hands……remember his conscious world? There was lightning everywhere. He wants to destroy himself. This is a more radical course of action to take than falling into his subconscious of his own accord. We need to drag him back and ask him clearly, if it was just like what we had guessed.”
Yu Hao looked down as he checked the address of Chen Yekai’s express delivery and ruminated on Zhou Sheng’s words. Under the sunlight, Zhou Sheng looked at Yu Hao quietly. He had a very complicated gaze, and his brows were locked in a deep furrow.
“What’s wrong?” Yu Hao looked up from his phone and asked, baffled.
“Nothing.” Zhou Sheng turned his head away and felt about for his phone. After he thought for a bit, he stretched out the hand that was holding his phone and took a selfie of them both.
Zhou Sheng, “Smile?”
Yu Hao, “You’re crazy ba……”
Zhou Sheng, “Smile ba.”
Yu Hao looked at the camera and took a selfie with Zhou Sheng. His expression looked like he was both crying and laughing at the same time, and also looked like he had been blinded by the sunlight.
“Will life always be so painful? Or is it only like this when we’re young?” Zhou Sheng asked.
“It’ll always be the case.” Yu Hao casually answered. He found the address of Chen Yekai’s express delivery; he had paid special attention to it when it was being taken away as he went up the stairs, “This is the address of a public welfare organization……that’s strange……”
“It’s not.” Zhou Sheng said, “He wants to donate his things.”
Yu Hao, “Where will he go? I saw him take his passport.”
Zhou Sheng, “He should be returning to the United States. He has already cut off ties with his family, so he won’t go home. And he even emptied everything in his house to give it all away. I keep feeling that this all seems very ominous……let’s go to sleep ba. Go and get our identity cards, then we’ll get a room outside the school.”
“Are you sure that he’ll fall asleep later?”
Zhou Sheng said, “He didn’t sleep much last night, so he must be very tired right now. I’m guessing that he’ll sleep for a short while on the plane. Ah I need to sleep too……” He yawned as he spoke, “I keep feeling like I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
Yu Hao said stubbornly, “If you take an afternoon nap, what if you can’t fall asleep at night?”
Zhou Sheng, “Then I’ll take sleeping pills bei!”
Two guys buying sleeping pills and getting a room together, that’s really weird, Yu Hao thought.
At noon, Chen Yekai arrived at Ying city’s airport. After he passed through the security checks, he entered the first-class area.
“I won’t be eating.” Chen Yekai said to the flight attendant, “Don’t disturb me later, I’ll be sleeping. Thank you.”
In the world of consciousness.
“See! Didn’t I say so!” Zhou Sheng said, “He would definitely fall asleep!”
Yu Hao, “Where do we go to look for him?”
Zhou Sheng, “Let’s just drive away from this place first!”
Chen Yekai’s words had confirmed Zhou Sheng’s conjecture. This three-storey building wouldn’t be the safe haven, and they needed to find the Chen Yekai in this world as soon as possible. Yu Hao went downstairs and looked at the dense amalgamation of dark clouds that covered the horizon and the raging thunderstorms in this world of rainforest
Compared with yesterday, there were even more places in the tropical rainforest on fire now.
The trees were still collapsing, showing the tracks of a colossal thing that had rampaged through it. Yu Hao said, “Zhou Sheng?”
“What?!” Zhou Sheng had already left the inn. He shouted from outside, “Jump down! Yu Hao!”
Yu Hao, “Something’s coming!”
Zhou Sheng, “Then run!!”
Yu Hao vaulted over the rooftop’s guardrail, stepped on the third floor’s window, then jumped onto the awning of the second floor and slid down. Zhou Sheng drove the jeep over and securely caught hold of Yu Hao.
“Are your eggs alright!”
“Quit it!” Yu Hao picked up a pistol and unlocked its safety catch. Zhou Sheng drove around to the front door of the inn, then placed one hand on the back of his seat, turned his head and drove the car in reverse.
Yu Hao, “Your clothes……why did they change?”
Yu Hao saw that Zhou Sheng’s shirt had actually turned into the navy blue shirt that Chen Yekai wore when he took the picture with Nakagawa Ryuusei in front of the Iguazu Falls!
“What?” Zhou Sheng had no time to pay attention to his clothes, so he only realised it when Yu Hao reminded him. He was wearing a navy blue shirt and the camouflage trousers from his military camouflage set from before, “I don’t know?! This is what I wore the last time, it’s so damn effeminate!”
“How is it effeminate?!” Yu Hao roared angrily.
“Yu Hao are you nuts?!” Zhou Sheng said, “We’re on the run, and you’re telling me a shirt like this isn’t effeminate?!”
“You’re the one who mentioned it first!”
“It’s here!”” Zhou Sheng had just reversed when a roar suddenly reverberated around them. A black giant crashed through the rainforest and rushed headlong up the hill!
With a gun in hand, Yu Hao actually forgot to shoot for a moment. All they could see was a 10-metre-tall Tyrannosaurus Rex appear and step over their jeep, and a shadow was instantly cast over their heads.
“Wah.” Zhou Sheng said, “That guy Kaikai has such a huge hole in his brain, there are even dinosaurs in his dream?”
In the next moment, the Tyrannosaurus Rex smashed into the inn that was constructed out of bricks and tiles and knocked half of the building down.. Yu Hao immediately said, “Go ah!!”
Both of them snapped out of their stupor. Zhou Sheng stepped on the accelerator, and the jeep almost hurtled straight down the hill. When the Tyrannosaurus Rex noticed the noise, it immediately looked down and released a loud “ao” roar as it bolted towards them!
“Where did you learn how to drive?”
“I have no license! I learned it in the arcade!”
“Shooting too?”
“Where’s all your nonsense coming from?!” Zhou Sheng drove with Yu Hao in the car, then accelerated in full force as they raced all the way down the hill. It was as if the world was trembling when the Tyrannosaurus Rex chased after them. Yu Hao turned around with a gun in hand and fired several shots at the Tyrannosaurus Rex in succession.
“I think I really do need to learn a skill that I could turn into my forte.” Yu Hao said as he looked at the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Zhou Sheng said, “I think so too!”
Yu Hao, “Shut up!”
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