I’m Really a Superstar

In the span of a night.

The phrase “kelp that entangles submarines” went viral.

By the next day, products bearing this phrase started appearing in online stores.

[Kelp that entangles submarines totes]: 10 RMB each.

[Kelp that entangles submarines T-shirts]: 35 RMB per top.

[Kelp that entangles submarines caps (Black)]: 15 RMB each.

[Yellow Sea Kelp (Chinese strategic weapon)]: 7 RMB per 500 grams.

All kinds of products.

A variety of choices.

Most crucially, they were all selling very well too.

Even the merchants on the streets and alleyways started hawking the same products.

A lot of people were very amused by what they saw. There were also countless people sharing their purchases on Weibo.

“Hahahaha!”

“Check out my new cap!”

“LOL, that’s so cool!”

“I bought a bag too! The ‘kelp that entangles submarines’ typeface is too eye-catching. Everyone keeps staring at me when I’m carrying it out on the streets. The double-take rate is 200%!”

“Face-smacking Zhang is too damn comical!”

“Hasn’t that fellow always been this way? Haha!”

“Quite a few media outlets around the world are reporting about this.”

“He’s too good at misdirection.”

“Will the interview be on today?”

“Yes, the second episode will be broadcast at 8 PM. There will still be a third episode tomorrow.”

“I’m so looking forward to it.”

“I can’t wait either.”

“Yeah, let’s see what he’s going to come up with tonight.”

“I think it will be a more serious talk today. They can’t possibly keep having nonsense on a program like that.”

…

At Central TV.

The International Channel.

It was time to record the second episode.

When Zhang Ye arrived, the program team went up and surrounded him.

“Fellow Zhang!”

“The viewership ratings have totally blown up.”

“Our domestic viewership ratings have increased by over tenfold!”

“It’s the same for our overseas viewership ratings as well. It’s increased from our usual ratings by a few times. The viewership numbers for the overseas audience has broken a record!”

“Our International Channel has never seen such viewership ratings before!”

Everyone was very excited.

The Central TV International Channel was the only international channel in China. It might sound like the channel was very important and one of a kind, but in reality, they did not get much attention as very few people watched it. Whether it was domestically or overseas, the viewership ratings had always been rather embarrassingly low. When did they ever get such a good result before? All of this was brought to them by Zhang Ye—China’s one and only international celebrity!

Zhang Ye himself had not expected the broadcast to attract such a great reception. Not only did it blow up in China, but it also gained the attention of the overseas audience as well?

Yu Yingyi coughed and said, “You’re here?”

Zhang Ye smiled. “Yeah.”

Yu Yingyi said, “The clips from yesterday have already gone viral. It’s also viral overseas.”

Zhang Ye chuckled and said, “Then wouldn’t you also become rather well-known on the international scene?”

Yu Yingyi rolled her eyes and said, “I’ll have you to thank for that.”

“You’re welcome,” Zhang Ye said.

Chi Xue came over reluctantly and sat down. “Shall we start?”

Yu Yingyi said, “Counting down to recording in one minute.”

Zhang Ye said, “OK.”

The second episode’s recording began.

…

That same night.

On the Web.

An American netizen: “The Chinese show is starting!”

A Dutch netizen: “It’s starting, it’s starting!”

A French netizen: “This program is too funny. I didn’t get to watch it yesterday, so I must have a look today.”

A Japanese netizen: “I invited a few friends over to watch as well. I would like to see what kind of outrageous claims this Zhang fellow will make today.”

A Korean netizen: “It’s starting.”

After yesterday’s farce, a lot more people around the world who had heard about this matter from the news started tuning in to the Central TV International Channel.

10 million people.

20 million people.

30 million people.

The overseas viewership numbers continued to soar!

There were even people from the various countries’ media outlets and their military personnel watching.

This was the first time that a Chinese program had attracted such attention overseas!

…

On TV.

The show had already started.

Yu Yingyi smiled and said, “Good evening, everyone. We meet again. Welcome to Central TV International Channel’s Army Day Special. I am your host, Yu Yingyi.”

“I am Chi Xue.”

“I am Zhang Ye.”

Both of them also looked into the camera and greeted the global audience.

“Yesterday, when we talked about the nuclear submarine threat, Fellow Zhang suggested a plan that caused a heated debate and questioning by people around the world. Actually, I know what Fellow Zhang meant to say was that victory in war does not depend on who has the more advanced technology or weapons. A battle is determined by a comprehensive mix of factors, and there are a lot of variables and tactics involved. Even an ordinary thing like kelp might stop a nuclear submarine’s advance. Hence, we can say that no matter how advanced a weapons system is, it will still not determine the outcome of a battle.”

Zhang Ye nodded. “That’s right.”

Yu Yingyi asked, “What is Fellow Chi’s view on this?”

Chi Xue shook her head and said, “I only agree partially with this opinion. I have a different view on the other portion of it. Technology, arms, and weapons determine the military strength of a country. I am a scientist, so what matters more to me is data. Against certain strategic weapons, battlefield tactics don’t mean much at all. For example, a guided missile’s range is only so long. It will either hit its target or not. That’s all there is to it.”

Zhang Ye smiled but did not say anything.

Yu Yingyi said, “I heard that a country has already developed laser weaponry.”

Chi Xue acknowledged, “Yes, and that’s indeed a very real threat.”

Yu Yingyi said, “Is there a way we can handle it then?”

Chi Xue said without thinking, “No, and it’s not only us who can’t handle it. Right now in the world, no country has the capability to deal with laser weaponry. We can intercept guided missiles, we can fend off aircraft carriers, but we can’t do anything about lasers. This is a very powerful weapon we have no answer for. No technology yet exists to stop such tactics.”

Zhang Ye spoke up, “That’s being too absolute.”

Chi Xue said helplessly, “It’s not being absolute; rather we really have no way to handle it.”

“Laser weaponry are not invincible,” Zhang Ye said bluntly.

He was starting to stir up Chi Xue. “Oh? So being unstoppable doesn’t mean it’s invincible?”

Zhang Ye laughed. “Who says it’s unstoppable?”

Yu Yingyi said in surprise. “Ah? There’s a way?”

Chi Xue rolled her eyes. “That’s impossible. No country has the means to deal with it.”

Zhang Ye said calmly, “But China does.”

China said startled, “China does?”

Then Zhang Ye said something astonishing.

He said, “Smog can stop lasers.”

Silence!

Dead silence!

It was all quiet in the recording studio and in front of the televisions!

Smog?

Stopping lasers?

Chi Xue vomited blood. “Ah?”

Zhang Ye looked at the shocked Yu Yingyi and Chi Xue and smiled. “Laser weaponry is very powerful, but they also have their weaknesses. Furthermore, this weakness is very obvious. Fellow Chi should know quite well that conventional weapons cannot stop lasers, but what about smog? The largest diameter of a smog particle is 80 microns, with the majority of them between 1 micron and 10 microns. A laser wavelength is smaller than 1000 nanometers, which is 1 micron, so it will be difficult for a laser to bypass these smog particles.”

Yu Yingyi didn’t understand at all.

But Chi Xue was dumbfounded. “That—”

Zhang Ye said, “A lot of metal particles exists in a smog. If we magnified them, they would all be metallic balls. Once the smog reaches a certain density, tell me, how will the laser weaponry penetrate it? Alright, even if it does manage to penetrate it in the end, the original range of over 10 kilometers would have now shortened to less than a kilometer. It wouldn’t be able to hit anyone or touch any targets. With its intended targets so far away, tell me what use would laser weaponry be then?”

Chi Xue was speechless.

The audience watching TV was speechless.

Yu Yingyi was truly shocked. “The smog even has such an effect?”

Zhang Ye said indifferently, “I’m not saying that the smog is good. I’ve even made a documentary called ‘Under the Dome,’ though I’m not sure if you two have watched it before. I am purely analyzing the effects of the smog from a military and scientific perspective and saying that the smog can stop a laser attack. In fact, it can even stop guided missiles from reaching its intended targets.” He said something astonishing again!

Damn!

It can even stop guided missiles?!

Yu Yingyi said in shock, “How would it stop that?”

Zhang Ye said, “Currently, the majority of the world’s guided missiles are guided visually, with lasers, through infrared imaging, or using GPS. The first two types of guided missiles are more affected by smoggy environments. Smog, for example, can make visual-guided and laser-guided missiles less effective in combat. Although they can still be launched, the hit-rate is not high. Of these, the visually guided missiles have a similarity to optical reconnaissance radar. It requires an operator to see the target before they can aim, lock on, and execute the attack. If this happens in a smoggy environment, they can’t lock on to the target if they can’t see it. In that case, they can’t hit it.”

Chi Xue said in a speechless manner, “Fellow Zhang, according to what you say, wouldn’t the smog also be able to prevent paratroopers from landing?”

Zhang Ye solemnly nodded in agreement. “Of course it can. Smog can indeed prevent paratroopers from landing. Without being able to see their ground target, how would the paratroopers be able to parachute down? Isn’t that obvious?”

Chi Xue was floored!

Yu Yingyi was also looking truly dumbfounded!

The second episode of the interview ended.

However, the outside world was already blowing up again!

…

China.

On Weibo.

“The smog can stop guided missiles?”

“The smog can stop lasers?”

“The smog can stop paratroopers?”

“Stop your sister!”

“Misleading! This is fucking misleading!”

“Hahahahahahaha!”

“Aiyo, I’m dying of laughter! I can’t take it anymore!”

“Face-smacking Zhang just doesn’t fucking give up on saying astonishing things!”

“Fellow Chi has been totally confused by him!”

“This fellow is too good at bullshitting! Yesterday, he claimed that kelp can be turned into a strategic weapon. Today, he’s fucking saying that smog can also become a strategic weapon!”

“Teacher Zhang, enough! This is really enough!”

“I’m not convinced by anyone other than Zhang Ye!”

“How can he be so comical!”

…

On the Web.

“Oh my god!”

“Smog?”

“Just what is he thinking!”

“W-Would this really work?”

“Scientifically speaking, it really seems plausible!’

“*faints*”

“That’s clearly nonsense!”

“Do you guys really believe him?”

“This is even more ridiculous than submarines getting entangled by kelp!”

“This guy even calls himself a military expert?”

“This is the most misleading military expert in history!”

“I’ll admit it. This Chinese guy has really succeeded. He has succeeded in bringing me such joy! Hahahahahaha!”

“In the future, I will really not trust anything that a Chinese person says!”

…

The whole world was in heated discussions!

The whole world was laughing hard at this!

On this day, another phrase went viral!

Smog that stops lasers!