I Can Turn into a Fish

Chu Xian sat in his shop, bored. To pass the time, he watched people come and go.

It was dusk, and the sky gradually darkened. Ancient-style oil lamps were lit and the entire Gu Wu Street was very beautiful.

There were more people on the street in the evening than in the morning – off-duty white-collar workers and students from the university kept the street busy.

Suddenly, several male students approached the front of Chu Xian’s shop and examined it curiously, taking out their phones to take pictures. Chu Xian looked at them with confusion – had they read about his shop online, or had they come because of some other reason?

“This is the place. It looks exactly like the background of Qing Qing’s selfie,” the four boys said as they entered the store.

Chu Xian looked at them with curiosity, saying: “Welcome. This shop sells all kinds of precious goldfish. Please come in and look around!”

“En!” the four boys nodded.

“It’s this goldfish,” the crewcut boy exclaimed happily, taking out his phone. “Wait, I should post a picture. Haha, yeah, I would say the shop is nice and the boss is handsome but not as handsome as me. Qing Qing, I feel like buying just one tank can’t express my feelings so I’ll buy whichever two you choose. I hope you accept my confession tonight! Haha, brothers and sisters, I hope you can support me. Give me your energy(1)!”

“Lao San! You little b**ch! You’re such a drama queen!”

“Haha, Big bro, Lao Er, Lao Si(2), you should take some notes. Love isn’t enough – you need to put in some effort when it comes to relationships! I’m going to take a picture of these fish tanks and upload it!” the crewcut boy said confidently.

At this moment, his feed already had several hundreds of comments. Some students even sat eagerly in front of their computers waiting for ‘The Most Handsome Boy in Qing Hai’ to refresh his post, wondering whether he would really get the beauty tonight!

The comments were random and varied.

“It’s obvious that goddess is just making fun of these losers! If these losers actually succeed, I’ll live stream myself eating sh*t!”

“I agree! Goddess Qing Qing is a proud girl! Losers like you can never get her; only top students like me are the ones she’s dreaming of!”

“Is this the Record of the Loser’s Comeback? I hope the OP defeats Qing Qing!”

The boy with the crewcut read his post with pride. Playing with his phone, he pointed at the fish tank in front of him and yelled, “Boss! Pick two pretty ones for me!”

Chu Xian looked at the four boys who had taken photos and played with their phones the moment they came in. With some curiosity, he asked, “Two goldfish or two tanks?”

“Of course two tanks! What can I do with just two goldfish?” the crewcut boy said without hesitation.

“Haha, Lao San, how about you buy twenty fish and let her eat till she’s full?”

“Not bad, not bad. Five isn’t enough to eat!”

“Haha,” crewcut boy chuckled. “Don’t you guys have a heart? How could you eat such cute goldfish? Right – boss, do your goldfish taste better steamed or braised?”

Chu Xian laughed at their conversation, “I think what you need to figure out first is whether you’re going to buy the goldfish or not!”

“Pick two tanks of goldfish and help me pick out some beautiful ones!” The crewcut boy’s eyebrows arched and he pointed at the fish tank again.

“All my goldfish are beautiful. How about the two tanks in front of you; they contain all eight varieties!” Chu Xian suggested, watching them.

“Okay! Then these two!” The crewcut boy nodded his head without a care. “Boss, how much?”

“Thirteen goldfish, twenty-six thousand(3). The tanks are free!” Chu Xian said with a big smile.

“How much?” the crewcut boy’s voice exclaimed with a sudden loudness. His three roommates looked at him in surprise.

“Twenty-six thousand. Two thousand for one. No bargaining. A free tank if you buy five!” Chu Xian repeated to them with a smile.

“Gu du(4)!” the crewcut boy swallowed. “Boss, are you joking? How can a goldfish be so expensive? Two thousand each? Are they made of gold?(5)”

Chu Xian smiled, “All my goldfish are rare and precious. Two thousand for one is already cheap.”

“This…” The crewcut boy stood with his phone in hand, his face burning with embarrassment.

“Lao San!” At this moment, the big bro nudged his arm, pointing at the small note on the fish tank. He said bitterly, “I just saw this now.”

Crewcut boy’s face suddenly blackened.(6)

“Haha! Haha!” One of the boys suddenly laughed. “Lao San, can you see why Qing Qing posted that comment? Only five goldfish for ten thousand – who can afford this? Haha, all those comments saying they’ll buy twenty for her… haha, so funny!”

“Damn it! Lao Si, don’t bullsh*t here!” Crewcut boy’s face kept changing color.

“Ayy. The goddess tried to trick losers on purpose but you’re the stupidest loser, barging in here like a fool. Lao San, what’re you going to do about your feed?” The big bro patted his shoulder with some schadenfreude, showing some sincere concern.

“Horse balls!” the crewcut boy cursed. He said sadly, “What else can I do? Nobody knows this is my account anyway. My heart’s broken. I’m just going to end it with a photo!”

The crewcut boy took out his phone, took some photos, and carefully took another photo of the price tag before he posted them all on his feed with a dark face.

“I came to the goldfish shop. I have nothing else to say. Look at these pictures—I’m not going to pursue the goddess. And for all the losers who replied to the goddess’ post, come! I already figured everything out for you, even the price. En, prepare to spend all your money for the next semester – two thousand each, no bargaining. Free fish tank if you buy five. To the bro who said he’s going to buy twenty for the goddess to eat – you really are a rich man. To the bro who said he’ll buy all the goldfish from this shop, en. You’re incredible! I’m just a poor loser, I quit!”

After attaching the photos, the crewcut boy clicked “Submit!”

“Welcome!”

Chu Xian abandoned the four students and attentively welcomed the new customer.

“En, hello boss. Are you the seller on Fast Hands?”

“Hello big bro!”

The new customers were a middle-aged man and a little girl. Both greeted Chu Xian politely.

“Yes, that’s me.” Chu Xian nodded and said to the young girl, “Hello to you too, little sister!

“Heh, we saw your goldfish online and thought they were really beautiful so we came to take a look,” the middle-aged man smiled.

“Then you’ve come to the right place. All my goldfish are rare and precious. I vouch for their quality; they’re the absolute best!”

Translator’s Thoughts

 Aristophaneso

(1)- So a lot of memes and slang use Daoist/cultivation terms. Here the crewcut says给我点元气, with 元气 the same term that’s used in a lot of cultivation novels for the primordial energy/ Yuan Qi/ True Qi etc. Take my energy (>o-o)> ======

(2)- So their nicknames are just brother 1 brother 2 brother 3 brother 4 = Big bro, lao er, lao san, lao si. Crewcut is 3. So this all goes back to mr. Confucius, cause he be like respect your old people and then all the government is like Confucius Yay! So that’s why Chinese culture differentiates so carefully between age and familial relations. It’s very important to respect people older or people who are considered your elders, so even between brothers there is a very clear difference between older and younger

a. *I may be completely wrong*

b. They aren’t actually blood brothers, but speaking as if they were. Not uncommon.

(3)- 26000/6 = 4333 USD. Lol I’m sure most girls wouldn’t know how to react if you got them 4000 dollars’ worth of goldfish. Rofl

(4)- This is how Chinese people swallow their saliva. How exciting. Gu du Gu du.

(5)- Lol so this phrase has come up a couple times. It sounds just as dumb in Chinese, with the repeating of the “gold.”

(6)- So on a half serious note, all you weebs and aspiring weebs should know the sudden darkening of the screen, often accompanied by the 3 vertical lines.