I Can Turn into a Fish

“Hong long (1)”

“Hua la la (2)”

“Screw this sh*tty weather!” Chu Xian cursed as he slammed the door of his shop.

Chu Xian walked to the back cupboard and took out his mat and blanket. After washing up and brushing his teeth, he immediately dove under his blanket. The thunderstorm made him a little restless.

“One more month and then I’ll be free,” Chu Xian joked with a bitter smile.

After he graduated, Chu Xian went out and found a job. After a year of abuse with nothing to show for it, he decided to make a go for it on his own.

After thinking for almost a month, Chu Xian finally turned to his parents and borrowed 30 grand of their hard-earned money, renting a storefront on the Gu Wu(3) street near the university to sell ornamental fish.

Since opening this shop, without even taking the expensive rent into account, each month’s profit never exceeded three thousand. It had reached the point where Chu Xian couldn’t even afford a separate apartment and had to move into this tiny 10 square meter shop. Now there was only a month left on his lease.

“F*ck, this novel’s author is actually a eunuch (4). F*ck you sh*tty eunuch! I hope you never get hard again!” Chu Xian cursed when he found out the novel he was following was no longer going to be updated.

Reading novels was Chu Xian’s main pastime, and now that the novel he’d been following for more than a month turned out to be a eunuch, Chu Xian was suddenly frustrated and bored. As he listened to the thunder, all he could do was laugh bitterly.

“Ai!” Chu Xian sighed. Just to kill time, he started browsing through different phone games and randomly chose “Big Fish Eat Little Fish.”

“The Wi-Fi is so shitty! Can’t you upgrade to 20M? And you call yourself a computer store? Curse you! I hope you close down just like me!” Chu Xian swore shamelessly as he stared at the 20kbps download speed.

“98%… 99%… finally.” Chu Xian stared at the number 99 on the phone screen, a smile on his face.

“Hong long!”

A sudden lightning bolt cut through the sky and split the air with a deafening blast.

“The f*cking rain needs an accompaniment – heaven is being such a little b*tch!” Chu Xian heatedly complained after flinching while wrapped up in his blanket.

And so Chu Xian didn’t see his phone screen flash black with a new message: Big Fish Eat Little Fish is updating,1%..10%..20%…

This kind of download speed could only be from some 100 MB Optical Fiber cable.

After tidying his blanket, Chu Xian lay down again. Because of his bad eyesight, he held his phone in front of his face, but he soon felt his hand burning and saw sparks flying.

“F*ck me, my Samsung! (5)” Chu Xian paled, screamed and hurriedly threw his phone to the side.

“Hong Long!”

“Peng! (6)”

The phone exploded with the sound of thunder. Chu Xian felt his hand was fine, so he got up to turn on the light as he wiped the sweat from his forehead.

“What?” Chu Xian looked around confusedly. His place was clean.

“What, Samsung grenades aren’t nukes–how is there not even a piece of debris?” Chu Xian thought as his face blackened (7). His phone wasn’t some 6000 RMB brand, but a 1000 RMB poor man’s phone; he’d only used it for half a year and never expected it to explode (8).

“F*ck, my money!” Chu Xian shouted with a broken-hearted expression.

“F*ck my life!”

“Ding. Big Fish Eat Little Fish is finished installing. Start? Y/N”

A mechanical voice suddenly appeared in Chu Xian’s head (9). Chu Xian jumped and looked around in a panic. “Who said that? Who are you? Where are you?”

“Ding. Big Fish Eat Little Fish is finished installing. Start? Y/N”

Chu Xian barely finished asking and the mechanical voice reappeared, causing Chu Xian’s face color to change endlessly (sic). (10)

“Start!” Even though everything that was happening was unbelievable, Chu Xian had read enough fiction that he gradually calmed down enough to respond (11).

“Ding. Big Fish eat Small Fish System is online and merged with host. Host can now see personal status.”

The mechanical voice stopped, and in his mind appeared an image.

“Horse balls (sic).” When he saw the image in his mind, Chu Xian cursed. In his mind floated a Samsung phone with a game and a character on the screen.

The screen’s character was identical to Chu Xian: a handsome appearance, melancholy expression, elegant hair, and – eh, just a poor loser. Right next to his character was a game introduction.

Name: Chu Xian

Status: Human (Can Transform into a Fish!)

Level: 1 (New-Born Little Fish, 5cm!)

Combat Power: 0.5

Passive Talent: Devour – can evolve from eating smaller fish.

Control – can control lower leveled fish.

Big Fish Eat Little Fish System Ability:

Remold – can change the shape of self or fish under your control. (Every transformation will lower your level and the level of the fish you control)

“What is this system?” Big Fish Eat Little Fish? Is this a joke? How can such an unreliable system exist? Transform into a fish? You mean turn your mom into a fish!” Chu Xian cursed. As he looked at the introduction of the system, his face became black.

“F*cking hell, just try to turn me into a fish and see what happens.”

Chu Xian barely finished uttering these words when he horrifyingly discovered that the world in front of him had completely changed.

“What the?” Chu Xian swallowed some saliva as he stared at the blanket right in front of him. He tried to turn his head but discovered that his head couldn’t move at all. He couldn’t feel his hand or feet.

“I turned into a f*cking fish!” Chu Xian opened his mouth to speak but immediately felt like he had lost his life-source and was so thirsty he was about to die.

“I want to be human again!” Chu Xian hurriedly yelled in his mind.

In a flash, his body returned to normal. Chu Xian looked down at his body with an incredulous expression. He walked up to his mirror to look at himself then said, “Transform into a fish!”

In the mirror, a pinky-sized fish appeared in his vision. As Chu Xian saw his body he finally believed that he really turned into a fish.

He looked at the status in his mind again and saw some minor changes.

Name: Chu Xian

Status: Fish (Can Transform into a Human!)

Level: 1 (New-Born Little Fish, 5cm!)

Combat Power: 0.5

Passive Talent: Devour – can evolve from eating smaller fish.

Control – can control lower leveled fish.

Big Fish Eat Little Fish System Ability:

Remold – can change the shape of self or fish under your control. (Every transformation will lower your level and the level of the fish you control)

“Fish. Human. I can actually transform.”

Chu Xian transformed back into a human and stared numbly into the mirror.

Translator’s Thoughts

 Aristophaneso

I may insert (sic) for creative effect when things aren’t strictly speaking incorrect. And I may have added more swear words for REALISM. Realism only, I promise.

(1) – this is what thunder sounds like in China

(2) – this is what rain sounds like

(3) – 古屋街 or Ancient House Street

(4) – Authors (and the novels) who discontinue their novels are referred to as eunuchs. I think this is probably because the authors are considered impotent for not finishing what they started, but the genius of this phrase may be eluding me.

(5) –Allegedly, Samsung is well known for creating excellent grenades. The conspiracy is whether this was written before or after Samsung released their product.

(6) – This is one of the many intricate sounds of exploding things – joining the ranks of boom and bang and many others

(7) – the many abilities of the Chinese face are just another aspect of the inherent superiority of yellow skinned people.

(8) – or did he? *conspiracy hat on*

(9) – this is a question for our resident scientists: is there a difference between a voice in your head and a voice outside it? Answer in the comments section for a chance to win an iPhone XXL!

(10) – and you thought I was kidding with 7

(11) – I’ve never figured out whether or not I would actually say yes to this kind of thing. What would ya’ll do? Maybe if it was a really hot voice.