Chapter 226 - Pretend
About half an hour later he is taking a bath. 'I didn't think there was a place like this here.'.
His thoughts broke off when he spotted brunette leaning against the door. "You can come inside you know."
Sumire laughed softly. "I shouldn't, you'll take advantage of me."
"That would be a great plan."
"Hey Yuhi, I want to go check on Sano a bit. Would that be a bad idea?"
Yuhi sighed. 'I knew she was concerned when he left the room like that.' "Take a bath with me first."
She kept laughing. "What is it with you and baths?"
"I thought you liked it last time."
"You know, I am enjoying dating you. It's more fun than I expected. But I wonder Yuhi, how much longer do we have together?" Sumire mumbled.
"Did Hino talk to you?"
Sumire nodded. "He did but briefly. He told me to ask you the details. If there is something you want to do, I won't stop you."
"You don't want to go with me?"
"I wonder." She trailed off. "If this relationship can last forever. These days I am a lot calmer. But I clearly remember how I was a few months ago. I don't want you to see me that way Yuhi."
"Come here Sumire."
The bathtub was too far away from the door. He could stand up but he knew it would be hopeless unless she came inside herself. After a few minutes, he hears the door slid open. Sumire slowly walked over to where he was. The moment she stood a few feet away, he grabbed her wrist. But Sumire shook her head.
She crouched down on the floor and leaned her back on the tub. "My emotions feel like they are exploding lately."
"Sumire, it's okay."
Sumire shook her head. "But it isn't okay. The current me is very unstable emotionally. The current me only knows how to mess up and hurt people."
"It's okay to mess up."
"But is it?"
Yuhi knew he could not answer her there.
__________
If nobody knows it is easier to pretend that everything is okay.
She did not want to cry in front of him again which was why she quickly left. It is a good thing that he did not say anything. Not that she expected him too, Sumire figured out a long time ago that Terashima Yuhi would not pressure her to talk even if he had questions.
The person she needs the most right now is him.
He does not pressure her to talk, he does not intimidate her. He just listens. It is enough for her for him to just listen. She does not need comforting words, she does not need kindness. All she needs now is for somebody to listen to her, for somebody to share this burden and sadness.
It is selfish for her to do that. Why would she purposely burden somebody else like that?
The real reason is because she cannot face it alone. She cannot cope by herself anymore, it hurts too much.
It is terrifying to be alone. But when she is around other people she feels anxious. Is she doing the right thing? Is she talking properly, is she doing something wrong? Are they tired yet? It is terrifying to be alone but she is scared of people.
No matter how much she washes her arms, Sumire still felt it - the blood stain on her skin. One day she will wake up and that nightmare will come true. There was so much blood. But whose blood was it? Was it her own?
She can wash it all away as much as she wants. But it does not change that one day it will happen. She will end up doing something she regrets either to herself or somebody else. One day she will completely break and fall apart.
A deep sigh crossed her lips as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes still looked sore and puffy. But at least she was no longer crying. Sumire made sure that nobody was around when she cried. She did not want to risk all the stares and whispers, all the judging that would come along with randomly crying in public. This was why she did not cry in front of Yuhi either - people would walk by. Nurses would come in randomly. She did not want to risk people thinking badly of Yuhi.
It does not matter what they say about her, she already deals with enough things like that daily. But not him, she doesn't want Yuhi to hate the world for her sake. It is enough for one of them to feel like this. Yuhi has his own problems and his own burdens. She wants to create a beautiful world for him.
If she sings again properly, if she returned to the stage it is killing two birds with one stone. She can sing and make him happy and release these frustrated feelings and emotions. If she sings again then maybe the pain will go away. Singing for her was another coping method. As much as she liked it the main reason she sang is to get rid of the pain.
Is this why it hurts so much now? Is it because she can't sing?
But there is another thing she can do. She wonders if Yuhi has any paper or a pencil or maybe even some paint. Could she go back though after walking away like that? As Sumire thought these things somebody grabbed her arm.
She sighs when she sees the owner. "Sano."
This is great, the last person she wants to see her like this now is Nagawa Sano. This guy is not the best person to be around when one feels terrible. In the past, he brushed off all her sadness and pain as typical teen angst. In the future, he seems to acknowledge there is something more but he is still the same insensitive- her thoughts broke off when he spoke up.
"Are you okay?"