Back Then, I Adored You

He missed her when he couldn’t see her and yet, when he did see her, he couldn’t control his emotions, and it was obvious that she was also interested in him.

He wanted a clean break.

He knew that once he entered the army, it would be perceived by all that he had undeniably handed his life and fate over to the country.

He made a decision that night when he was sending her home.

He apologized to her for missing their previous date, and then he arranged with her a second date to go to a movie, even giving her his contact number.

But she was innocent to the game he was playing: He didn’t want to start a relationship with her—he wanted closure.

The phone number he had given her was fake, and he had no intention of meeting her at the movie they had planned to see.

Rather than simply trying through will power to cut off any feelings that she had for him, he was forcing himself onto a path of no return.

For their second movie date he did show up, but only from afar. He never knew he could be this heartless.

Holding onto his umbrella, he watched her from a distance. Like a mule, she stubbornly waited for him and refused to leave; like a madman, she tried calling him on the phone over and over.

Even though they were far from each other, and the sounds of cars, wind, and rain swept between them, he was sure he could hear her cries echoing in his ears.

For the entire time she waited for him, he forced himself to remain cool. When night came and the movie theater closed, she still waited for him, now alone in the streets. He still did not show up for her.

Finally, she left, but he didn’t.

He accepted that she must have finally given up on him, and now it was his final turn to let go, too. And this was the true start of his suffering.

Day and night during training, Gu Yusheng thought of her. He thought about her when he was feeling faint from standing at parade rest under the blazing sun. He thought about her when he was drained from jogging around the field for 30 rounds. When his bunk mates were fast asleep at night, he always remained wide awake until dawn… Because he was afraid to sleep. The moment he would shut his eyes, he’d become possessed, frequently dreaming about the scene of her squatting in the rain and sobbing.

As a new recruit, Gu Yusheng was naturally undergoing intensive training, and his amnesia soon posed questions about his fitness. After a doctor’s evaluation, there was no diagnosis. He was prescribed to maintain a minimum required amount of sleep with the help of large doses of medication.

…

Fast asleep on the clean, spotless hospital bed, a pained expression suddenly formed on Gu Yusheng’s face. Beads of cold sweat broke out on his forehead, and his body began to tremble.

Anxious after seeing this, Old Master Gu rushed to his bedside and began to yell, “YUSHENG? YUSHENG? YUSHENG?”

Old Master Gu called out Gu Yusheng’s name countless times. After a full 24 hours of sleep, Gu Yusheng’s eyelashes fluttered and he eventually opened his eyes.

Perhaps because he had been asleep for so long or because his dreams had been so vivid, he was dazed and stared at the ceiling for a long time. He only shifted his gaze when he recognized his grandfather yelling. In a hoarse voice, he said, “Grandpa,” and struggled to get up.

Looking out the window, Gu Yusheng saw it was dark outside and he could hear the faint sounds of car horns on the street in front of the hospital.

Ignoring his grandfather’s questions, Gu Yusheng stared silently at the streetlamp beyond the window. After a long time, it eventually dawned on him that the string of events that had played through his mind during his sleep was not a protracted dream but was his own past that he had forgotten.